Tossin' and Turnin'

in·som·ni·a
–noun inability to obtain sufficient sleep, esp. when chronic; difficulty in falling or staying asleep; sleeplessness.

Lately I've been suffering from insomnia. I don't know what's causing it, but it's getting worse. Last night I didn't sleep AT ALL. I wasn't able to fall asleep till after 5:00AM. Needless to say, I didn't work today. I hate missing work but there was no way I could have gotten up at 6AM after falling asleep after 5AM and be able to function at work.

I've been having trouble sleeping for a couple of weeks, but this is the worst it's been. I've been able to function on 4 to 5 hours of sleep a night. I kept thinking the lack of sleep would eventually catch up to me and I'd fall back into a regular and more healthy sleep cycle. It hasn't happened and I've actually considered buying over-the-counter sleeping pills.

I hate taking pills. I don't even like taking asprin unless I absolutely have to. I'd much rather figure out what's causing my sleeplessness and fix it. I've had insomnia before, but it's always been in the summer when it didn't matter. It's so frustrating to feel tired and not be able to sleep. I tried everything. I switched beds...moved to the couch...watched tv...read a book...turned the heat down...turned the heat up...bundled up in blankets...used nothing but a sheet...NOTHING worked. Not until the clock struck 5AM and my brain finally shut off. I slept till about 12:30. I normally sleep 7 to 8 hours so I feel rested now. But how will I be able to fall asleep tonight after sleeping half of today away?

On the Mend

I'm feeling so much better now. I'm no longer limping, I can actually lift my arm above my head without wincing, and my bruises are not sensitive to the touch unless they get bumped. I'm so glad that's over with. Now I'll be lucky if Michael lets me go hiking again any time soon. This wasn't even a real hike. Sheesh, we could see the lake from the road.

Millie's husband called me last night from the hospital. He put me on speaker phone and let me talk to Millie. Trouble was, he TOLD me I was on speaker phone and I got shy. I knew it was just Millie, her husband, and her youngest daughter...but stupid me, I still got shy and panicked. I couldn't think of what to say. Of course I told her I miss her and love her...I'm asking God to heal her and wake her up. After we hung up I thought of SO many things I could have told her. She's always asking about the weather. I could have told her about all the snow we got. I didn't tell her the birds have returned. Robins are everywhere. I didn't even tell her about the swans. :o( Adam said she opened her left eye a bit while I was talking to her. I like to think it's because she knew who I was and wanted to hear what I had to say.

Feeling OLD

I'm feeling age creep up on me lately. The white hair doesn't bother me. My hair started changing in high school. But my body is feeling my age. I'm not old...but I'm far from being a spring chicken!

What I didn't tell you about my Sunday with my girls is the fact that I fell down while walking through to woods to see the swans. I twisted both ankles, scratched up my left forearm and bruised my left knee and shin pretty good. My left wrist is swollen and my right shoulder has been aching. At times it's hard to move my arm and Michael has talked me out of going to work 2 days in a row.

I hate missing work, but he's right when he says, "I think you should stay home if you can't move your arm. I think you need your arm at work." Had it been my left arm, I think I could have managed, but it's my right side and I'm right-handed for everything but eating.

Space Cadet thinks I should go to the clinic but I refuse. It's actually better today than it was yesterday. I just had an awful nights sleep because I kept rolling over onto my stomach and that hurt my bruises so I'd wake up. Sleeping on my back hurts my shoulder but I forgot to take Tylenol before bed last night. So tomorrow I'll go to work because I'm tired of staying home. I'll listen to her nag me about going to the clinic but I will not give in. What's the worst it could be? A broken collar bone, maybe? They'd just put me in a sling and give me Motrin.

No thanks, I'm just fine.

Springy Sunday

What a beautiful day today! The sun was shining, I think we got over 40 degrees, and there was hardly any wind.

Space Cadet had a choir concert in Town today so her girls hung out with me. It was the first time we had both of them at the same time in quite a while. We had so much fun. We were outdoors for most of the day. We had a blast and they actually got along! When they were little we couldn't have both of them at the same time for more than a couple hours because they'd either get way too nuts or start fighting. It helps that they're both teenagers now, but they still have their moments. We kept them busy enough, though, that they had a very enjoyable day with each other without so much as a dirty look between them.

I want to apologize to anyone who still happens to be reading my blog. I don't know what's come over me...or maybe it's something that "hasn't". I just can't bring myself to visit my blog lately. I'm not online as much as I used to be. I'd like to say it's because I'm too busy doing other things. I'd like to...but I can't. I think about it...but when I turn the computer on I end up checking my e-mail...checking in with my mom and sister...maybe taking a peek at Bebo...and then I'm back off again.

Maybe I miss chatting with Millie. I've been thinking about her a lot lately. For the past 3 months, actually, but especially the past few days. They've moved her back to Alaska but she is still asleep. I knew she was a big part of my life before all of this but I don't think I realized just how big a part she played. I'd rush home from work everyday to turn on the computer and see if she was online. She'd ask me about my day and tell me about hers. She'd let me see her grand-daughter on the webcam. We'd look at each others blogs and Bebo pages...sometimes play games together. There were times we wouldn't even talk...but just knowing she was there was enough. If we couldn't connect online we'd talk on the phone. I really miss her. I pray for her every time I worry and lately I've been praying a lot. Part of me is feeling selfish. I want to know that she will remember me when she wakes up. Then I feel guilty. I shouldn't have thoughts like that and in reality that is not a big concern of mine at this point. I just want her to wake up so her family can have her back. If she never talks to me again, I will learn to live with that and be thankful for what we had. It's her family who needs her. Our friendship was truly God-given and I will be eternally grateful for all that she has done for me.

I think our outting today has a lot to do with me thinking so much about Millie. We saw some swans on the lake and Millie loves swans. One time we were online playing games and we decided to change our screen names to see if we could spot each other. I changed mine to NuYuuGwa'a, which means "It's Me!". Of course she knew it was me right away because of the spelling...she recognized it as being my native language. She changed her name to SwanLady. I thought of her when we were at the lake today. When I got home I wanted to show her the swans and for a split second forgot that I can't.