It's Not About Me

So I think I'm finally at a more positive place in my life. The situations that have been stressing me out are still there, I've just chosen not to stress anymore. They are beyond my control and turning gray or developing an ulcer will not rectify them, so I'm just letting them take their course.

Part of why I'm feeling better, is because I've quit thinking about myself. I've quit wondering what will happen to me when this is all said and done. I know God will take care of me and I'll be just fine. I may not know what's going to happen tomorrow, but I know who holds tomorrow!

I've recently done some things for others for no reason other than I wanted to. They mean a lot to me and I wanted to show them.

My mom received a free DVD player as part of some kind of free promotion. She doesn't have a lot of money right now so I knew she wouldn't be buying herself any DVD's any time soon so I ordered a couple of her favorite musicals from Amazon and had them shipped directly to her.

A friend of mine is always encouraging me to sing. I haven't performed in years and often find myself singing out loud when I'm home...alone. She tells me, "Oh, just open the windows and let people hear." But I'm too self-conscious for that. But I managed to surprise her when I bought a program that allowed me to record myself singing with my computer. I e-mailed the song to her and I think she really appreciated it. I purposely sent it without listening long enough to critique myself. I just made sure it got my voice (it took 3 tries to do it right! haha) and then attatched it to an e-mail. I know that if I had listened, I would have decided against sending it. I am my own worst critic and being as shy and self-conscious as I am, even if I had sang it perfectly (which I didn't, I realized once I listened to it in its entirety) I would have found a reason to not send it.

On the rare occassion I get out of the house and actually interact with people, I've made it a point to really interact. Normally I just wave or say a quick hello and keep moving...again, part of my insecurities. But this whole week, every time I was out of the house, if someone even smiled at me, I'd stop and say hello. If they were family or a friend, they got a hug from me. I asked how they were and listened to their answers.

Just by placing my focus on others and not myself, I'm beginning to feel better about this journey we are all on.

God on the Mountain

I've been having a really hard time lately, trying to be positive. Trying to remember that I have a good life; a blessed life; a life with a purpose and direction.

Things in my family are all screwed up at the moment. I have no idea how things are going to turn out, but I know in my heart, that I have done all I possibly could.

The thing is, I've been letting all of these problems totally consume me. I haven't been able to blog because I don't want this blog to turn in to a "woe is me" type of thing that drives people away. I haven't been spending a lot of time outside of my house because I've been afraid to face people - the family that is feuding, the curious ones who always ask what's going on, just anybody. I haven't been able to sleep because I've been holding on to this stress and worry like my life depended on it.

But ya know what? It doesn't. My life is not defined by this situation. I've let it be, but it's time to let go. In all of this, I've forgotten what's most important: my relationship with my God, my faith in Him, and the fact that He's still here. The rest of the world can turn their back on me and it won't matter. I still have God.

I'm always so quick to thank God and give Him the praise for the good things that happen. It's true that all good comes from Him, but he doesn't desert me when things go bad.

I love listening to gospel music. One of my favorite songs is God on the Mountain. It's all about how God is always there for you.

The God on the moutain is still God in the valley.

When things go wrong, He'll make them right.

The God of the good times is still God in the bad times.

The God of the day is still God in the night.

I woke up singing that song today and I've been singing it all day long.

I Can't Think of a Title

We haven't really been doing a whole lot lately. Well, I haven't, anyway. Michael's been working for about a week now. He "should" be working until at least November and then we'll see what happens. I want him to stay home this Winter but he's already hinted at returning to the other company. *sigh*
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That's partly why I keep thinking we need to move. It would be so nice to be some place where he can find work AND live with me. That's not too much to ask for, is it? I suppose I should be grateful for the time we have together...because there are families who go through more difficult separations due to military obligations and such.

I've mentioned moving to Michael a few times and he keeps pretending I'm kidding. He'll laugh it off and change the subject no matter how many times I bring it up. He's not ready to leave. I sometimes think I am but it's for all the wrong reasons.

Besides, as hard as things are right now, there are good things about living here, too. We're close to family. This island is BEAUTIFUL and I am in constant awe of my surroundings. We live a pretty calm life here. There is no crime. We don't have to lock our doors at night. There have been times we haven't even "closed" our door, even while being out all day long. You can't walk down the street or drive 2 blocks without someone smiling and waving at you. Everyone knows you by name. You're not just another face in the crowd here. People know you (which isn't always good).
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Michael's dad was sent to the hospital today. He was having chest pains and they were afraid it was his heart. They checked him out and it's not his heart. He has bronchitis. They are going to monitor him overnight, start him on anti-biotics, and he can come home tomorrow. I'm SO glad it wasn't anything more serious. The man never slows down and it scares me.
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We had Theodore and Lindsey overnight last weekend. They entertained each other so it wasn't so bad for me. We were going to let them walk the puppies with Michael. He put the leashes on the collars and was doing something at the back of the truck. By the time he turned around, the kids were long gone. They took off running. He didn't feel like trying to catch up so we just drove behind them in the truck. They ran an entire mile. I wish I had half their energy!
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There's really nothing more to say at the moment. I haven't been out of the house much because of the weather so haven't anything exciting to tell you about. Sorry!

Feeling Lost

This is a view of my hometown. We were on the ferry on our way to Town last month when I took this photo.

I never intended to spend my entire life living here. I used to long for the day I'd get off what we affectionately call the Rock.

I had a change of heart once I married. I thought things would be better and for a long time they were.

Do you ever get the feeling you need to move on? Like you've been stagnant too long? Like you're running in place on a treadmill and can't find the off switch?

That's me lately. Things are happening here. Things that are deeply upsetting to me. Things that are tearing my family apart.

I want so much to fix what's wrong but it's not my place. I want so much to pick up and go, but that's not my decision to make, either. I'm tied up in knots not sure what our next step should be.

Feels Like Summer

Last night while driving down a dirt road, we spotted something. At first we thought it was a rock, then a slight breeze came and it seemed to move. We thought maybe a piece of clothing because we were not the only vehicle on the road and an animal would have moved out of the way.

When we got closer, I realized it was a bird. I thought it was hurt because it wasn't moving its wings and every time it tried to walk, it would fall flat. I got worried because I thought for sure if we had left it there it would get run over by one of the other vehicles traveling the same road.

Normally I am not fond of birds. I enjoy watching them from a distance, but would never have one for a pet. I did that once...never again. Birds are one small step up from cats, if ya ask me.
Anyway, Michael put on his gloves and got out of the truck to get a closer look. Turns out it wasn't an injured bird. It was a chick. He probably fell out of his nest and was either stunned and disoriented, or a little banged up. He knelt down and stroked his head. He didn't run away so he picked him up. After inspecting and deciding he wasn't seriously hurt, he put him under the bushes at the road side. Hopefully, he stayed there until he was found by his mother. I hate to think of what would have happened had Michael not helped him out.

We got well into the 70's today for the first time this year. It's supposed to be warmer tomorrow and the next day. I think I'm going to need to go on a picnic!

With all of this great weather and free time on our hands, we've been spending a lot of time outdoors. Some of it driving, some of it walking, basically just doing whatever will keep us out of the house.

The puppies are doing well. They're growing and are as active as ever. The only time Copper stops moving is to sleep. Oh, and when its time to go down stairs.

We stood there for what felt like forever giving gentle tugs on the lease. He never did budge so we ended up having to pick him up and carry him down the stairs. I guess that's good, though. At least for now we won't have to worry about him making a run for it when the door is left open.

Smokin'

Smoking...it's something I didn't try until after I married.

It had been 2 years since the last time we smoked but we started again yesterday.

We couldn't help it. The cravings were too strong.

Two years is a long time between smokes, ya know.

We figured we had waited long enough. Now was as good a time to start as any.

So we did it. We quit fightin the urge.

We started the smokehouse yesterday and our first batch of fish should be done tonight!

Catching Up

Lindsey's on her way so I have to do this quick...

I'm sorry I haven't updated lately. May is a very busy month for me with school ending and all of the graduations, etc. With Michael being home and not working, I don't spend a lot of time on the computer. Not until late evening when I'm too lazy to type! :o)

Not a whole lot to update on, though. Now that things have settled down its starting to feel like summer vacation. Even the rain feels like summer. It's actually falling straight down rather than sideways! It' s a warm rain, too.

The puppies are growing. They are very playful but when left alone, they tend to play rough with each other. Copper is still afraid to go down stairs.

My girls are trying softball for the first time. They played a couple games in Town last weekend but lost. They're having fun, though, and that's what counts! I'm so glad that they are not afraid to try new things.

I hear Lindsey...gotta go!