So Sad and Maddening

Anchorage Daily News | Parents accused of brutal abuse

As someone who has always wanted children but for whatever reason has not had any, stories like this are very upsetting. These people started off as foster parents and eventually adopted the children only to turn into monsters. I really hope these children can recover from all that has happened to them. I'm sure they have many more scars than can be seen. The emotional trauma they have suffered is unbelievable.

More Dreams

I’m on a break at work. Today is going by pretty fast compared to how my week started. The computer lab is really hot, though. I only have classes until 9:30 but I can’t turn the computers off because they are used throughout the day by teachers for special writing projects and things. Having 24 computers running all day really heats things up in here.
One of my cousins works here. She is always talking about these dreams she has. She dreams about people and strongly believes that if you dream about someone you should tell them. If something bad happens in the dream, then you must tell the person before you eat your breakfast so that the dream won’t come true. I don’t know if I believe in all that, but she does.
Anyway, she came in the lab during one of my classes this morning. She didn't say a word, just stood there in front of me and she had this big grin on her face. That wasn’t her normal behavior…she didn’t even say her usual “good morning”.

“What?” I asked. She just stood there smiling waiting for me to stop what I was doing.
“What is it?” I ask again.
She finally said, “I have to tell you something, but I don’t want to upset you.”
“Just tell me,” I say to her.
“Okay, I had this dream…”
“Oh, no…do I need to sit down?”
“No, it’s not a bad one this time.” She said, still smiling really big.
“Okay, then…what is it?”
“I dreamt that you and your husband came to visit me.”
“Okay, we do that a lot…”
“But this time you brought a baby to show me.”
”Whose baby was it?”
“You were nursing it, so I’m guessing it was yours. It was a boy.”

She then turned and walked out. Still smiling. I’m not expecting. I have no idea where that came from. Oh well, time to go have my lunch.

I Hate Death

We lost another family friend last night. He was in his early 50’s and had a new grandbaby only a couple weeks old. He was holding the baby and then told his daughter to take the baby. He felt tired and wanted to take a nap. Ten minutes later, his daughter went to check on him and he wasn’t breathing. He had a massive heart attack.
My husband just lost one of his brothers back in June to a massive heart attack. He, too, was only in his early 50’s.
The hardest part about living in a small town all your life is dealing with the loss of others. Deaths seem to happen in 3’s. It’s kind of a morbid thought, but when there is a death, we all think to ourselves, “There’s going to be at least 2 more.”
We are all affected by each others losses. The town seems to pull together when things like this happen which kind of makes it easier to deal with. Sometimes, though, I wish I didn’t have to deal. Not that I don’t care, I just get tired of hurting. Is that selfish of me? Sometimes I think so. Then I start to feel guilty.
Our friend was a great man. He was always willing to lend a hand to anyone who needed it. He always had a smile on his face and never spoke a cross word to anyone. He was a pall bearer at my brother-in-law’s funeral.
I’m on my way now to go spend time with his family. That’s what we do here. We gather at the home of the recently deceased to support the surviving family in any way we can. I’ll bring a salad. We never go empty handed.
I just wish we could learn to get together like this during happy times, too.

Dancing the Night Away

Last night my niece had a dance to celebrate her 11th birthday. She insisted that the dance be 4 hours long…from 8PM to 12AM. She fell asleep on the floor back in April when her sister had a dance, but was adamant. She not only managed to stay awake, but she participated in the majority of the dances. There were a couple times she hid in a corner because there were slow songs playing and a boy she’s crushing on wanted to dance. She’s extremely shy and the fact that the chaperones consisted of two of her aunts, her mother, an uncle, and her 19 year old sister didn’t help matters any.
At about 11PM, she came over to ask how many more hours were left. She was getting tired, but still wouldn’t admit her dance was too long. By the time Midnight came along, the chaperones were spent and so were the kids.
It was fun to watch them, though. They had a ball dancing to and singing along with music I couldn’t even understand. It was a good night. I’m just glad I won’t have to do it again anytime soon.

What Do Dreams Mean?

I’ve been having some really strange dreams lately. In some of them, I find myself in strange situations in places I don’t recognize. I can’t figure out what I’m doing there, but at the moment I’m the most afraid, I spot someone I love in the crowd. It’s not always the same person…but always someone I care for and who means a lot to me. In other dreams, I’m alone in my bedroom…lying in the dark sobbing. I don’t know if I’m dealing with a death or some other kind of loss. I just know that I am so upset that I can’t bring myself to get up off the bed. I’m not even IN bed…just lying there fully clothed sobbing on my pillow. My loved ones come in one by one and say the usual “I’m sorry’s” and “I’m here for you’s” but I never know why. There are other dreams where I am so sure that I’ve lost a loved one. Sometimes it’s my mother or father, sometimes it’s my husband. I never see what happens, but in my dreams I’m always saying things like, “I can’t believe (s)he’s gone.” “What am I going to do without them in my life?” I wake up so scared and more than once I’ve shaken my husband awake just to make sure that he would wake up. I have no idea where these are coming from but I am getting to the point where I’m afraid to go to sleep. It’s getting to the point where I feel so drained and it’s really a chore for me to just get through the day from being so tired. Yet when I do lie down, I don’t want to close my eyes because I don’t want to have another depressing dream. I wish I knew where they were coming from. I wish I knew what I could do to make them go away.

Science Lab Haiku

Eighteen third graders
Excited geologists
Is it Friday yet?

The first Science unit of the year is titled “Soil, Silt, and Rocks”. The entire school is studying rocks in one form or another. For the most part, teaching in the Science Lab has been fun. Today was the most stressful day so far. The third graders were wired and restless. Trying to do a lab with antsy 8 and 9 year olds turned out to be quite the challenge. One table was goofy and chatty; another had a group who could not get along. Everything turned into an argument with them. Their lab should have taken about 20 minutes. At the end of their 40 minute class period, most had just barely finished. One table will have to finish up with me the next time they come to science so that the rest of the class won’t have to wait for them. I’m hoping that these kids are just testing the waters, so to speak. Trying to see just how serious we are about the limits we’ve set for them. Up to this point, they’ve never dealt with me outside of the Computer Lab. They behave for me in the Computer Lab…but in the Science Lab it’s like they couldn’t even hear me. I’m really hoping this is a temporary situation.

One Smart Puppy

MSNBC - Puppy shoots Florida man, deputies say

Maybe this guy will think twice from now on before being cruel to animals. If he owned the dog who gave birth to the puppies, I hope they took that way from him, too. In my opinion, he's proven he doesn't deserve to own a pet.

Blogger's Giving Me a Headache!

Is anybody else having problems? I couldn't edit or create new posts yesterday at all. It still won't let me edit...we'll see if this works and if it does, I'll make an entry later.

Click Me!

A friend of mine sent me this link via e-mail. Now the song is stuck in my head. Go ahead, click the link and see if it doesn't get stuck in yours, too!

In anything we trust!

$200 Bill


Okay, I know some of our bills are getting make-overs...but come on....a $200 bill?!? If the fact that we don't even HAVE a bill of that denomination wasn't a dead give away, ya think the "We Like Broccoli" or "USA Deserves a Tax Cut" signs plastered in the White House lawn would have been.

Don't Worry, Be Happy

"A day without laughter is a day wasted."
Charlie Chaplin

My nieces went back to their own home a couple of hours ago. My stomach still hurts from all of the laughing we did. The younger of the two had us all rolling all night. When I finally had enough, I asked her to stop.

She said, "But I don't want to. I like to make you laugh really hard."

When I asked her why, she said, "Because I like the way it sounds and I like to make you happy."

She must have sensed that I had needed a release. It was a long, stressful week at work. It's amazing, really, how sensitive children are. It makes me wonder sometimes, who's taking care of who.

I Love You More Than...

My sister-in-law is out of town tonight so I have my nieces staying with me. They are ages 10 (for about another week) and 12. My husband and I have this silly little game we play. One of us will say “I love you” and the other will respond with “I love you more.” When the older of my nieces was about 5, she started playing along. She still does and is so tickled if she says “I love you” and we forget to say “I love you more”. She doesn’t realize that half the time we forget on purpose. Hehe Well, the younger niece started to play along but with her the response is, “I love you more than you love me.” So anyway, tonight we took them for a drive. She told me she loves me and when I said, “I love you more than you love me,” she said, “Yeah, well I love you more than I love myself and I love myself very much.” This was a nice change. She used to say other things like, “I love you more than my socks” or “I love you more than red snapper.” One time she even said, “I love you more than my luggage.”

I guess I’m pretty tired tonight, I can’t think of anything else to write. Goodnight to whoever happens to read this.

Josickos

Part of my job duties this year includes leading a 50 minute writer’s workshop 4 days a week. The latest assignment for the students is to write a 3 paragraph autobiographical essay. The final paragraph was to include goals they had for themselves, both for this school year and in life.

One of the boys was almost finished today and I was reading over his shoulder as we were editing before we printed a final copy. I got to the third paragraph and when I reached the sentence about his life goals, I was stumped.

It said, “I would like to join an army with Jesus and his josikos.”

I didn’t even know how to pronounce this word and couldn’t figure out what he was trying to say. Looking at the word, I thought he meant “jaw-sick-ohs” and hadn’t the faintest idea what he was trying to say.

Finally, I asked him, “Jesus and his what?”

He said, “Jesus and his ‘joh-sy-cohs’ like in The Passion of the Christ.”

I still hadn’t caught on and said, “Let me think about that for a bit, it’s not spelled right but I’m not quite sure how to spell it. I’ll think about it and we’ll fix it later.”

I started to walk away and it hit me like a ton of bricks.

The boy wants to be in an army with Jesus and his DISCIPLES.

It's all in how you look at it.

There's a lady I have to work closely with on a daily basis. The last hour and a half of my day is spent with her. We get along, for the most part, but there is one thing about her that bugs me. She complains about everything. It doesn't matter if we're talking about work or our personal lives. There's always something to complain about.

I always try to point out the positive side of things to her. Sometimes she hears me but not always. I know it's not always easy to find the silver lining, but I always at least try.

I think it was Maya Angelou who said something like:

"What you're supposed to do when you don't like a thing is change it. If you can't change it, change the way you think about it."

Kinda like, "When life gives you lemons, make lemonade." I'm getting better about thinking positive about things. I slip every now and then, but I am making an effort. I'm no Pollyanna but I try not to let myself get carried away with complaining.

After all, I've got my health. I've got my husband and family. I've got friends. I've got a job which gives me the means to put food on the table and clothes on our backs. I've got a roof over my head. I have a lot to be thankful for.

Even on a day like today, when I feel drained and I'm dreading the 6:00 alarm that will wake me in the morning, I am blessed.

I hope you realize that you are, too.

Random Facts About Me

I can’t think of anything to write about tonight so I’ll just type random facts about myself for a few minutes….whatever pops into my head.

*I’ve lived in this same small town all my life.

*The only time I’ve left for a significant period of time, was to attend college.

*I went to college in Colorado. Colorado gets more snow than we do.

*I only have one sibling…an older sister.

*Unless you count my 7 step-siblings…4 step-sisters and 3 step-brothers.

*All but 2 are older then me.

*I like to do word puzzles to pass the time.

*I write a lot of poetry that never gets read by anyone but me.

*I collect Coca-Cola items.

*I collect Disney items.

*I play the clarinet.

*I sing…but not as much as I used to.

*I’ve had 15 operations…13 of them before the age of 5.

*I have vivid memories of being in the hospital at age 3.

*I’m allergic to cats. I think it may be a psychological thing, but I’m not sure.

*I write with my right hand but eat with my left.

*Winter is my favorite season. The colder the better.

*I like to read. Ann Rule and John Grisham are two of my favorite authors.

*When I was in school, people used to think my best friend and I were twins. People still mix us up sometimes.

*I collect movies. Counting VHS tapes and DVD’s, I have well over 800.

That's it for now. It's time for me to go to bed.

Minty Fresh

While I’m at work, I sometimes put a piece of gum in my mouth. Usually, it’s Ice Breakers or Winterfresh because I like mint. I’ve gotten really good at keeping it hidden. I chew it at first and then just kinda hold it in my mouth when I’m around the kids so they don’t know I’m breaking the rule. Hehe Sneaky, I know…but they haven’t caught on yet.

So today I’m in science. I bent down at a table to help a boy. He needed to measure the circumference of his rock and I was helping him hold the tape measure in place.

We were talking and he said, “Hey! Ms. Kerri, your hair smells like mint!”

“It does?” I ask.

“Yeah, I really like your shampoo!”

“Well, thank you very much, Jeremy! What a nice thing to say.”




Uncle Henry

My husband and I just got back from our nightly drive. We live on a very small island, so the scenery never changes, but it gives us a chance to be together without the distraction of a ringing telephone or the television and computer.

Tonight we were treated to a lightning show. We’ve had a lot of them this summer. More than I remember witnessing as a child. Looking up at the sky, I drifted back to childhood.

I was reminded of the many times I sat on my grandfather’s porch with my cousin and our Uncle Henry. Looking in from the outside, Uncle Henry was a complicated man. Those of us who knew him, knew him to be a kind man with a great sense of humor. As a child, he had polio. This resulted in twisted joints and arthritis. He couldn’t walk without the aid of a cane.

My cousin lived with her mother in my grandfather’s house. The house my dad grew up in. Being crippled, Uncle Henry never was able to move out on his own. So he had the same bedroom all his life. Unable to fully participate in the life happening around him, he turned to his VHF radio. His call name was Smokey. He had friends who never laid eyes on him because of that radio.

If he left the house, it was only to sit on the front porch. I used to sit with him. He’d talk to me in our native language about watching his little brother (my dad) grow up. He’d tell me how proud of him he was.

As a child, whenever we had northern lights, I would go visit Uncle Henry. I’d invite him out to the porch and we’d sit and watch the sky. He used to tell me that if I would whistle loud enough, the lights would dance for me. As hard as I’d try, I just couldn’t whistle loud enough. He’d whistle and sure enough, the lights would move. I’m sure the whistle had nothing to do with the lights moving, but at the time my uncle was magic. He had the power to make great things happen. It didn’t matter that he couldn’t straighten his fingers. I didn’t care that he couldn’t stand up without the cane in his hand. He was MY uncle and he was magic.

Today would have been his 74th birthday.

And so it Begins

Today was my first “normal” day at work. What that means, is it was my first day actually following my new schedule. I change classes every hour which will take some getting used to, but once I do, I may even enjoy it. The kids were funny…they’re so used to seeing me in the computer lab…then they walk into the science lab and there I am. Haha I wish I had a camera to catch some of those looks. Seeing me in the library wasn’t as much of a shock to them because I was sitting at the computer. They probably just thought I was fixing it or something. Next week they’ll be surprised that I’m still there. I still can’t get used to working until 4:00, but that, too will come in time.

I had first grade in the computer lab today. My nephew’s class. They are not very accomplished spellers yet, so are always asking how to spell. My nephew was using a program meant to teach about animals. The program has different activities. One of them allows the children to design a picture with animals and then write about their picture. My nephew was having so much fun designing his picture.

“Look, Aunty Kerri! I used all of my animals, even the panda bear!”

“Very good, what are you going to write about?”

“About my animals but I don’t know how to spell ‘Reptiles have cold blood’.”

“Do your best to sound out the letters and then I’ll help you.”

A bit frustrated, he turned back towards his computer and started to just press the keys.

As he was typing his nonsense, he let out this heavy sigh and said, “It feels like 2:30 and I wanna go home.”

I had to go out into the hallway because if I giggle and he hears me, he feels insulted. I didn’t want to insult him so stepped outside the door. His school day ends at 2:45 and it was only 9:30. I knew exactly how he felt. Haha I hope the rest of his day went better.

The Party

This afternoon, we went to a family gathering to celebrate the birthday of my twin nieces. They won't be 3 until September 13th, but they will be in Dutch Harbor then so their mother decided to have a party before they left. It was a good excuse to get the family together. It was nice. They're so adorable. I really wish I could see more of them. I hate that they don't live here.

Well, I hadn't planned on it, but I had a birthday party of my own. My husbands mother and two of his sisters stopped by and we had cake and ice cream while we watched the closing ceremonies of the Olympics. It was nice. They brought candles though and if there's one thing I hate about birthday parties (my own, anyway) it's the candles. I don't like being the center of attention so blowing out candles is quite embarrassing for me. I told my husband I didn't want any, but his sister had her own plan. haha Oh well, it was just family and I won't have to suffer through that for another year.

In the end, I got some nice gifts and we shared a few laughs. After sharing my birthday with my little nieces this afternoon, this was a good way to end my day.

The Gift

I finally opened my gift today. My husband, after all that prodding all week, seemed kind of nervous when I finally agreed to open it.

As I was removing the wrapping paper, he kept saying, "I hope you like it."

I do like it, very much. It's an all-in-one machine for my computer. It can print, scan, copy and fax. This is not my first all-in-one so that part is not exciting. What I really like about it, is the ability it has to read memory cards of different sizes. Now I can get my digital photos printed without having to hunt down my camera cable I always manage to lose. I can just slip the card into the printer and transfer them to the computer. That will definitely be a time saver for me. I can't ever manage to find my camera cable when I need it. The good thing about this is, if I should ever decide I want a new camera that uses a different kind of memory card, it's no big deal. This machine accepts 4 different sizes/types. Now that I have this, I'll probably be tripping over my camera cable all the time. That would be just my luck. haha

Does it Feel Like it?

Today is our 12th wedding anniversary. The Presbyterian church puts out a calendar every year. They list the birthdays and anniversaries of our community members and then sell them for about $4.00 each. Yesterday at work, I was approached by 3 different co-workers. They all had the same comment and question.

"Congratulations on your anniversary. How many years?"

I told them it's been 12 and they all asked, "Does it feel like it?"

Huh? Does it feel like it? I didn't know how to answer that the first time it was asked. I was taken aback at first, and can't even remember what my answer was. It got me thinking, though. Now that I've had the time to think, if asked again I'd have to say, "Yes and no." Not a definitive answer, I know. But the only true answer.

I'd have to say yes because when I think about our life together, it does feel like a really long time. Not because I've been miserable and unhappy. But because I can't remember my life before marriage. I mean, I have memories, sure, but they're just pieces of who I once was. I have no memory of what it was like to be alone. My husband is so much a part of me now, it's like we were always together. Everything that is important to me now has to do with my husband. Everything worth remembering now involves my husband. I'm not the person I was before we married. The second we said, "I do," I became a new person. I started a new life. A life with my husband. So, yes, it does feel like its been 12 years. Because the person I am now, didn't exist until August 28, 1992.

On the other hand, when I don't focus on the calendar, it doesn't feel like 12 years. I can't believe it's been that long. People I grew up with are divorcing, having affairs, or separating. My husband and I have never separated. I've never gotten so upset with him that I would even want to sleep in a separate room. I hear female friends of mine complain about needing a break. On more than one occassion I've heard, "I want to get away for a while. I need a break from my husband." I can't imagine feeling that way. So I guess, in that sense, it doesn't feel like a long time because we aren't tired of each other. We aren't bored with each other. We've had our arguments, but nothing so drastic that we would even think of living a single day away from each other. We are not totally dependent on each other, but don't feel the need to be apart.

I don't know if all that makes sense. But if I'm asked again to answer that question, that's the best I can do.