Insecurities

(This is my 3rd time trying to post this today. Hopefully, that doesn't mean it will show up 3 times!)

I am not known for my self-esteem. My self-image is poor and I lack self-confidence. I'm aware of this and am trying to improve, but it's a long, difficult battle. I have a hard time accepting compliments and tend to take what people say to heart whether it's intended to be taken that way or not. The sad part is, I've even let the opinion of others change the way I behave, rather than be true to myself and that realization makes me feel even worse.

Here's an example: When I was in college, I had this friend. He was my best friend the entire time I was there. We did everything together from studying to sneaking off campus. I even took a few road trips with him to visit his home town.

It was during one of these road trips that I made a comment I immediately regretted. What I said was, simply, "I think you need to gas up your car."

He started laughing and asked, "Gas up? Gas up? What does that mean...gas up?" I explained that it meant he needed to fill the gas tank of his car. "Why didn't you just say that? Who says, 'Gas up'?"

I was so humiliated. I made a conscious decision at that point to never use that term again.

Fast forward to a couple months ago. I was chatting with Ahka one day and she said something about needing to gas up her van. I told her the story of my friend and we discussed why he thought it was so funny. We decided that it was maybe a regional term. Maybe we both said it because we were both raised in Alaska. (I think she just tried to convince me of this to make me feel better because that's the type of person she is.)

To this day, I stop myself from saying "gas up" and ask Michael to either "get gas" for, or "fill up" the truck.

Fast forward again...to yesterday. Aimee spent the weekend in Kansas City with some other bloggers. I was curious about her trip so visited the blogs of some of the other ladies who made the trip. I was reading comments and Aimee made a comment about seeing something "while you were gassing up your car."

Could it be that I'm not the one who was wrong? Maybe he was making fun of me before I could make fun of him for not knowing the meaning of a simple phrase?

The point, really, is not why he made the remark but my reaction to it. I made a conscious effort to change my vocabulary so as not to suffer the same humiliation again.

That's just one example. I'm sure if I thought about it, I could think of plenty more instances where someone else's opinion carried way too much weight with me.

I'm always telling my nieces that the opinions of others don't matter. I tell them that they are perfect just the way they are. I tell them that they are exactly what God wanted them to be and that as long as they accept themselves, what others think doesn't matter.

I think it's time to practice what I preach.